Haven't been on here in ages, regretfully. I was thinking about starting a blog about traveling, and I remembered LJ. I've gotten out of touch with a lot of people I once knew through LJ, and stopped writing about my life... and I miss journaling. I miss the feeling you get after wriing an entire post about how horrible your day had gone, smack talking your boss.. the relief it gives you. Or, on another hand, that feeling of elation you get after putting a great accomplishment or celebration into words... its there, then, for you to read and remember always. And you'll always feel a little bit prouder every time you read it.

I'm not very good with being consistent. Especially since I am both a wife and a mother now... consistent is the last thing my life is... ever. But I will try to be consistent in journaling, again. I miss this. And I miss writing stories, and so maybe journaling will help break the writers block I have been fighting for over 4 years. I'm still waiting for some big ball of inspiriation to hit me, but it hasn't come. And it won't,I realize. The world isn't going to push me to write. I have to push myself.

My stomach's begin to rumble... I've been putting off heading down for breakfast in hopes that the husband would get out of bed and join me. We stayed in a Best Western last nght in Savannaha, Georgia and it's a little dingy... nothing to rave about, but can't say there was really much to rant about... other then the smell. It smells like.. sewer? Come to think of it though, that could just be Georgia... I have heard that the entire state stinks. Yuck.

I looked back to see when my last post was before starting this entry. Nine months. It's been nine months since I've made the time to write anything. A lot has happened in nine months, and I wish I had taken the time to record it all. Ethan started talking, and crawling, and then walking. I've been there for every milestone, every waking moment, every toothache, every fever, every sore throat... and all I have now are the memories. I didn't document it with words, or pictures. I may regret that as Ethan gets older, but I don't regret being there with him through every moment.

In 18 hours, Ethan will officially be one year old. He was born November 12, 2010 at 3:33pm by c-section. It's only been a year, but it feels like that day was forever ago. And yet, it's hard to believe that Ethan is turning one. Where did my little baby go? I cherish every moment I have with him. Jake Feldmiller was in a fatal accident this past week. It hit me a few hours after I found out, and I held Ethan tightly. I pray that I never have to experience the pain of losing a child, I pray that God looks after him and our family and sends his angels to look after us. I am so thankful- and grateful- to have Ethan in my life. I am truly blessed to have such an amazing son. He has changed mine and Jonathan's lives in so many ways.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner... and I am truly thankful for so many things, and people, in my life that I wouldn't even know where to begin. I'm eternally grateful that God gave me Jonathan, who helped to give me Ethan. Every day, I strive to be a better mother and a wife... and I know that somedays I fail pretty miserably, but I am so thankful to call them my family.

I am thankful to be Ethan's mother, and to be able to spend as much time as I do with him. It's a challenge some days, and he loves to push my buttons, but at the end of the day, as I put him to bed for the night... I'm so grateful for being able to kiss him goodnight.

I need to try to be more consistent with writing in here. I got months without saying anything, and regret having not documented that time. Not to mention, its a huge stress reliever to just get my words out on here. And also, it helps to keep my writing skills from completely deteriorating. I would still like to one day be able to write, and finish, a novel.... One day.

Ethan is now 3 months old. And it's getting harder and harder to leave him the older he gets. He stayed overnight with my sister at 1 1/2 months. He stayed away from us for a weekend (granted, we were still in the same county lol) at 2 months. But now at 3 months, he goes away for a weekend and I'm counting down the minutes till I get to hold him in my arms again. I just love him soo much. He's at the point now were he is cooing and laughing and smiling and it's just so adorable.

Anyways, while I have been enjoying spending plenty of time with my handsome 3month old... I realized I haven't posted any pictures of him on here. There are pleeenty on facebook, and some on myspace... but my friends here have yet to see my little boy. And I apologize, I don't remember how to do an LJ cut... so sorry for filling your pages with pictures.

( Ethan Jonathan GibbsCollapse )

 So, I've been kind of absent these past few weeks... but I have a good reason! It's getting to be that time of year, the holiday season, where everything seems to happen at once. It seems as if everything is going on these next few months... and thats in a normal year. This year, add on that we're expecting a baby and have to plan for HIS arrival. Yes, it's a boy! I'm not sure if I've mentioned that or not before. It is a boy, and we're naming him Ethan Jonathan Gibbs, and he is going to be the most handsomest little boy. Ever. Well, on top of planning for a first baby, and baby showers... we just moved into our very own apartment the beginning of this month. 

I adored it and loved it at first. But now that we've combined our stuff with only some of babies stuff (baby showers still to come), I realize that maybe we needed a bigger apartment... Oops. My family, and Jon's, is uber excited about this baby and has already bought us a ton of stuff. My sister got us a high chair, lots of clothes, bottles, bibs, a bouncer, a walker, some floor toy things, a baby carrier, a bath tub, and a changing table. His aunt bought us a crib, plus mattress, that came with a matching changing table, and a blanket. Jon's coworkers gave us a playpen thing, and two huge boxes of clothes, plus one giant trash bag of clothes/crib stuff/sheets/blankets. My grandmother is buying me a rocker/ottoman set. And this is all before we've had any baby showers. 

So... getting everything into the apartment has been fun. Getting ready for baby has been fun. To an extent. It's just crazy, this time of year is always already hectic because of all of the holidays... and this year there's just soooo much more going on. Jon's working around the clock and when he's not working he's at school. When he's not doing either of those, we're usually doing something to build our business so that in a year or so Jon and I won't have to be working like crazy. I've been getting the apartment ready... still no job :(... getting it all organized and everything unpacked. I've also been getting everything ready for baby, and planning baby showers. We have one next weekend, one in October and another one with no date yet. Then we have the turkey bowl for everyone on the team right before Thanksgiving- Oh yea, and Halloween- and then there's thanksgiving. Then comes snow, the new arrival (baby!) and Christmas... then New year, and adjusting to being new parents. 

Through all of this, I realize how much I hate growing up... how much it scares me that I'm going to be a mother. It's freaky having the responsibility of taking care of my own place, being the cook in the house, and taking care of Jon. I attended a ladies leadership this past weekend, and one of the ladies talked about why a woman would want a husband... is it because she wants to be a wife, or because she wants a husband (a man in her life to make her feel complete.) I realized that up until that point, I've wanted a husband so I could feel complete. I've wanted to marry Jon because it would make things easier. And I realize that after listening to her speak, that's a selfish reason. She then asked. "Are you ready to give everything you've got to care for someone?" I would give everything I've got to show Jon how much I love him, and how much he means to me. Now, I want to marry him to be his wife, not because I want a husband to make me feel complete. 

It's definately been challenging, stepping into all these new roles. I play the role of wife, although we're not married yet. And I'm soon to play the role of mother. I'm a home (apartment) owner. I have a responsibility to keep the house clean. and have dinner ready when Jon comes home after a long day of work/school. I never could completely understood why woman worked so hard to keep the house clean, and have dinner ready for the husband... but now that I have a man who is constantly out there trying to make a living for US, building a life for us, it's my job to make the house life as easy and relaxing as possible for him. He goes out and works and studies all day to make a better life for me, baby, and him... It's selfish to expect him to come home and clean, ontop of doing everything he already can to provide for his family. I appreciate everything he's doing for us, and I know that right now it's such a challenge for us because he's the only one with income. Being pregnant makes job hunting not an easy task, and we fight about money a lot lately. But it's good to know that money problems is the easiest problem to fix, and I know that this is the worst it'll ever be for us. Soon, we'll be young, wealthy, and free. We'll be able to sleep in and wake up when the baby wakes us, and we'll never have to worry about chasing the dollar bill, working for someone else's dream. We're working to build our dream.

I still use my journal, and often, but my entries these past few years have been made private. It's my own personal journaling place to vent or be happy or angry or whatever... and I just don't feel that it's right to pour out my problems onto someone else, if anyone even still reads my journal. And if you do, I haven't talked to many of you in a very long time, although I would much love the chance to catch up... so if you still read this, this post is for you... an update of my life. And if you'd like, comment and tell me what you've been up to. Or catch me on AIM: lilwesternangel. Or Email me, srickard3@gmail.com I would love to hear from any and all of you who might still be reading this.

Stolen from angel 

You know how sometimes people on your friends-list post about stuff going on in their life, and all of a sudden you think "Wait a minute? Since when were they working THERE? Since when were they dating HIM/HER? Since when???" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy the topics below, erase my answers and put yours in their place, and then post it in your journal! Please elaborate on the questions that would benefit from elaboration. One-Word-Answers seldom help anyone out.



1. First Name:
That hasn't changed, I'm still called Samantha. 

2. Age:
21, turning 22 in a few weeks. 

3. Location:
Currently, and temporarily, in Cranesville, Pennsylvania.  

4. Occupation:
Currently unemployed, I think? I was working as a horse trainer at a local barn, but due to recent circumstances and an inability to continue being treated like crap by my superiors, I took a temporary leave of absense... undecided if I'm going back, and currently looking at getting another job as well as going back to school. 

5. Partner:
Jonathan

6. Kids:
Not currently... but there will be a baby. The due date is December 25th.

7. Brothers/Sisters:
Yes, although these past few years it's been rare that I would like to call her my sister. She's a half sister, and seems to be growing more immature as her age gets higher.

8. Pets:
Currently, none. 

9. List 3-5 biggest things going on in your life right now:
1. I'm having my first baby, and I'm scared as hell to be a mother. It definately wasn't something that was planned, but it's been made clear that this is most certainly a gift from God. 
2.  I'm looking at going back to school, although I don't totally know what for and where... but since I'm pregnant, I'm seriously considering online schooling... and probably something in the healthcare field. Healthcare Administrator? Medical secretary? 
3. I'm an Independent Business Owner for Amway Global & LTD, and I can't wait to build my business to the point where I can be a stay at home mommy... for the rest of my life. 

10. Parents:
Living with my mom currently, until I can find a place of my own. My dad and I currently aren't getting along, because he's still a drunk and is pushing me to have an abortion instead of accepting my wishes. My mom and dad haven't talked in over 4 years.

11. Who are some of your closest friends?:
Not as many as I would like, and not as many as I once had. Jonathan is the one person in my life that is always there, and I thank God for bringing him into my life. I have never known a more wonderful person, and it sucks that I sometimes take him for granted, and I forget just how amazing he is... to me, and in general. I love him with all of my heart. 
Other then that, I can say Dan and Nicole and Cory are also my very close friends. I don't see them as often as I'd like, and they aren't always there, but I can count on them. They've helped me through so much, and they've been amazing to me. I'm so grateful to have them in my life, and I am really blessed to be a part of theirs.
 

Any one still read this thing?? 

I could use some help from some of you. Anyone willing to try and give me a hand?

So, last week, I watched this movie called Fireproof. I've been thinking it over for awhile... and now I've decided to take the Love Dare. For 40 days, I will do what the book tells me to do and every evening, I will write about that day's dare in here. I'm not going to tell Jon about it. So I can't blog on myspace... he'd find it, plus it would clog up everyone's recent blog stuff. Haha. So for the next 40 days, starting tomorrow, I am going to be putting my heart and soul into this dare. At the end of 40 days, my relationship with Jon will be stronger and better than ever.

I ask that anyone reading this... keep us in your prayers. God Bless.

So, here's my life as it stands currently.

I am back to being single. I don't know where Jon and I are headed, and right now it's the least of my worries. Our relationship blocks have been brought down, and lay scattered. We tried to build them back up, but never got the foundation right. I'm starting over, as friends. I'm not giving up on our relationship, but I'm not going to make any extra effort to get back into it, either.

The things of more concern are this. My electricity gets shut off today, and in only a few days, I'll get evicted from my apartment unless I come up with 1500 dollars. Some how, Latiest has been able to pay for her rent, but I haven't. But then again... I've been dishing out for internet, and groceries. Her parents are more willing to help than mine are... although my dad has been so incredibly helpful. I Don't even bother asking my mom, because she's always complaining about how broke she is. No help there, I already know. I tried applying for another loan. I regret blowing the other one away. I put a lot of it into the business, but I did so irrationally and without much thought. 15,000 gone in maybe four months? Yea, that one hurt. If I'd been responsible with it, I would not be in this mess that I am now.

I don't know anyone down here in Pitt, so it's not like I can just go crash on someone's couch. My only option would be to move home, and commute. Commuting, however, would cost me more than living down here would... or maybe it wouldn't. I mean, the way I figure... if I stay here, I'm spending 350 for rent. 25 for Internet. Our electricity bill is roughly 70-80 dollars a month, but a payment hasn't been made since we moved in because I REFUSE to pay for it all myself, however I am giving them two hundred dollars tomorrow which will hopefully atleast get it turned back on. And then we'll tack on another hundred dollars for random things... food, gas, whatever. That's a little over 500 a month... so we'll say about 550-600 dollars a month, at the most- electricity probably went up seeings as how its winter, anyway. With gas prices going down, it'll probably take about 30 dollars to fill my tank. A full tank gets me to Pittsburgh, and home, and maybe even half way back down. But we'll figure it as that I would need to fill my tank every day. I go to school five days a week. Okay... so that's 600 dollars. Plus maybe a little extra for maintaince. So I'm spending as much as I am now... except, atleast I have a sure place to live, and food to eat. So atleast I stay healthy, and I don't get any stomach ulcers. I can also maybe try and work my way out of debt.

I'm trying so hard to believe I'm in God's favor, that the rain can't go on forever. But with each passing day, I fall further and further into despair. It seems so hopeless. I can't put any more possible hours into work, not without failing or dropping out of school. I don't have a phone, I can't call anyone for assistance.

Latiest is offering no help at all. She's fending for herself... and what about me? I've been feeding her thus far. We have internet because of me. I put the electricity in my name, so now that's totally fucked me over like no other. Unless it all gets paid off. So, here I am paying to make sure we have electricity, and food, and atleast internet as a source of entertainment... and she's paying the rent... and I'm going to be the one booted. It just seems endless.

I'm waiting and PRAYING for God to help me out. I try so hard to believe in Him, and to hold out on faith. But when everything seems to be in so much despair and dissaray, how can I believe this will all get better? I know that in Him all is possible... but I've gotten myself so far in, it's hard to believe in the light.

I just need a little bit of this weight off my shoulders. I pray for this loan to go through. I pray that it gets accepted, and I can pay the apartment complex my rent until I'm done with school, and then not have to worry about it anymore. And then I can just keep continue putting in hours at work until I have nothing left in me to hopefully try and make all the other ends meet. I'm depending so much on this loan. Without it, I don't know what my other options are.

I know that through all of this, I am definately beginning to discover what kind of person I am. I am beginning to get to know myself. And even though things so bad, I know that in the end good will come out of this. I will walk away a stronger, bigger, and better person because I lived through this. I just wish I could say that day was now.

So, I've been enrolled in the Vet Assistant program through PennFoster. It was only a career diploma, and only good in teaching theory. But I went and looked at the Vet Tech Institute... and I loved it!!!! I gave them the application fee, my enrollment from, plus I took AND passed the exam they make you take!!! They sent out for my transcripts, and now I'm just waiting to hear back on whether I was accepted or not. The school is amazing. And surprisingly, I really enjoyed pittsburgh! Which is where it's located... in downtown pittsburgh, lol. But it's great, I'll never have to drive to the city for classes. Their housing is about 20 minutes away from the school, and they have a bus that goes back & forth every day... yay to no driving in the city! If I'm accepted, which I really hope I am. This would be an amazing opportunity for me.... and I think it would really make a difference. I think it would just change so much for me, and just be so amazing. It'll be hard to leave home, and everyone I love. But I have a good feeling about this... I hope.

The only disappointment, though, was when I came home and told my mother about it. I told her I set up an appointment for February the 9th, which could be changed to March if needbe but I rather go in February... sooner the better. I told her that we were going to go down and spend the day at the school. They were going to take us to see the apartments (which is their housing there, cause it's not a university) and give us lunch and then go over financial aid with us. My mothers response? "Why do I have to go?" Yea... thanks, mom, for being supportive of this. But other than that, I'm really stoked about this. And I can't wait to hear back from them... I'm confident that I'll be accepted. I'm definately crossing my fingers, and saying my prayers every night.

But yay!!! Hopefully in about seven months I'll be a new resident of Pittsburgh, PA!!!!!

Instead of telling ya'll about everything that happened this summer... I'm going to post pictures of what happened. Much easier. :)

( An update... through picturesCollapse )