This journal is ...
SEMI-FRIENDS ONLY

comment to be added / add me

Any one still read this thing?? 

I could use some help from some of you. Anyone willing to try and give me a hand?

So, last week, I watched this movie called Fireproof. I've been thinking it over for awhile... and now I've decided to take the Love Dare. For 40 days, I will do what the book tells me to do and every evening, I will write about that day's dare in here. I'm not going to tell Jon about it. So I can't blog on myspace... he'd find it, plus it would clog up everyone's recent blog stuff. Haha. So for the next 40 days, starting tomorrow, I am going to be putting my heart and soul into this dare. At the end of 40 days, my relationship with Jon will be stronger and better than ever.

I ask that anyone reading this... keep us in your prayers. God Bless.

So, here's my life as it stands currently.

I am back to being single. I don't know where Jon and I are headed, and right now it's the least of my worries. Our relationship blocks have been brought down, and lay scattered. We tried to build them back up, but never got the foundation right. I'm starting over, as friends. I'm not giving up on our relationship, but I'm not going to make any extra effort to get back into it, either.

The things of more concern are this. My electricity gets shut off today, and in only a few days, I'll get evicted from my apartment unless I come up with 1500 dollars. Some how, Latiest has been able to pay for her rent, but I haven't. But then again... I've been dishing out for internet, and groceries. Her parents are more willing to help than mine are... although my dad has been so incredibly helpful. I Don't even bother asking my mom, because she's always complaining about how broke she is. No help there, I already know. I tried applying for another loan. I regret blowing the other one away. I put a lot of it into the business, but I did so irrationally and without much thought. 15,000 gone in maybe four months? Yea, that one hurt. If I'd been responsible with it, I would not be in this mess that I am now.

I don't know anyone down here in Pitt, so it's not like I can just go crash on someone's couch. My only option would be to move home, and commute. Commuting, however, would cost me more than living down here would... or maybe it wouldn't. I mean, the way I figure... if I stay here, I'm spending 350 for rent. 25 for Internet. Our electricity bill is roughly 70-80 dollars a month, but a payment hasn't been made since we moved in because I REFUSE to pay for it all myself, however I am giving them two hundred dollars tomorrow which will hopefully atleast get it turned back on. And then we'll tack on another hundred dollars for random things... food, gas, whatever. That's a little over 500 a month... so we'll say about 550-600 dollars a month, at the most- electricity probably went up seeings as how its winter, anyway. With gas prices going down, it'll probably take about 30 dollars to fill my tank. A full tank gets me to Pittsburgh, and home, and maybe even half way back down. But we'll figure it as that I would need to fill my tank every day. I go to school five days a week. Okay... so that's 600 dollars. Plus maybe a little extra for maintaince. So I'm spending as much as I am now... except, atleast I have a sure place to live, and food to eat. So atleast I stay healthy, and I don't get any stomach ulcers. I can also maybe try and work my way out of debt.

I'm trying so hard to believe I'm in God's favor, that the rain can't go on forever. But with each passing day, I fall further and further into despair. It seems so hopeless. I can't put any more possible hours into work, not without failing or dropping out of school. I don't have a phone, I can't call anyone for assistance.

Latiest is offering no help at all. She's fending for herself... and what about me? I've been feeding her thus far. We have internet because of me. I put the electricity in my name, so now that's totally fucked me over like no other. Unless it all gets paid off. So, here I am paying to make sure we have electricity, and food, and atleast internet as a source of entertainment... and she's paying the rent... and I'm going to be the one booted. It just seems endless.

I'm waiting and PRAYING for God to help me out. I try so hard to believe in Him, and to hold out on faith. But when everything seems to be in so much despair and dissaray, how can I believe this will all get better? I know that in Him all is possible... but I've gotten myself so far in, it's hard to believe in the light.

I just need a little bit of this weight off my shoulders. I pray for this loan to go through. I pray that it gets accepted, and I can pay the apartment complex my rent until I'm done with school, and then not have to worry about it anymore. And then I can just keep continue putting in hours at work until I have nothing left in me to hopefully try and make all the other ends meet. I'm depending so much on this loan. Without it, I don't know what my other options are.

I know that through all of this, I am definately beginning to discover what kind of person I am. I am beginning to get to know myself. And even though things so bad, I know that in the end good will come out of this. I will walk away a stronger, bigger, and better person because I lived through this. I just wish I could say that day was now.

So, I've been enrolled in the Vet Assistant program through PennFoster. It was only a career diploma, and only good in teaching theory. But I went and looked at the Vet Tech Institute... and I loved it!!!! I gave them the application fee, my enrollment from, plus I took AND passed the exam they make you take!!! They sent out for my transcripts, and now I'm just waiting to hear back on whether I was accepted or not. The school is amazing. And surprisingly, I really enjoyed pittsburgh! Which is where it's located... in downtown pittsburgh, lol. But it's great, I'll never have to drive to the city for classes. Their housing is about 20 minutes away from the school, and they have a bus that goes back & forth every day... yay to no driving in the city! If I'm accepted, which I really hope I am. This would be an amazing opportunity for me.... and I think it would really make a difference. I think it would just change so much for me, and just be so amazing. It'll be hard to leave home, and everyone I love. But I have a good feeling about this... I hope.

The only disappointment, though, was when I came home and told my mother about it. I told her I set up an appointment for February the 9th, which could be changed to March if needbe but I rather go in February... sooner the better. I told her that we were going to go down and spend the day at the school. They were going to take us to see the apartments (which is their housing there, cause it's not a university) and give us lunch and then go over financial aid with us. My mothers response? "Why do I have to go?" Yea... thanks, mom, for being supportive of this. But other than that, I'm really stoked about this. And I can't wait to hear back from them... I'm confident that I'll be accepted. I'm definately crossing my fingers, and saying my prayers every night.

But yay!!! Hopefully in about seven months I'll be a new resident of Pittsburgh, PA!!!!!

Instead of telling ya'll about everything that happened this summer... I'm going to post pictures of what happened. Much easier. :)

( An update... through pictures )

I'm Eighteen! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love my life. And I love myself. And I couldn't ask for anything better right now. Right now, this exact day, this exact moment.... my life is nearky, 99% incredibly perfect. I wouldn't have it any other way.

So... I was just sitting there, on my couch, doing homework / watching tv... and I picked up my cup to take a drink. And it was empty, and I made a face that was completely Gareth. The second I realized that, my focus drifted to my recliner and I started to cry. I cried because I missed that face that he used to make, and because I missed snuggling up with him in that chair. Because I missed sitting on the couch together with the feel of his arms around me and just the smell of him surrounding me and making me feel comfortable, safe, secure, protected... loved and wanted.

It's amazing how sometimes we think things are going to turn out a certain way, and then suddenly things change. How the best things in life can sometimes turn out to be the worst. And how the most important part of your life can disappear in the blink of an eye.

No matter how much chocolate I shove down my throat, tonight's just one of those nights where nothing will stop the tears from flowing.

And no matter who I try to think of, I can't keep him out of my head.

And it just makes me feel so helpless, and weak, and alone... and I'm so afraid to fall asleep tonight, knowing that I'll wake up tomorrow morning even more alone than I am right now.